Brown and White Vol. 64 no. 9

              foul foul arnie yells the candidates running-mates had something to say about the outcome of the election brown and white's roving reporter discovered tom maccabe president gold enberg's running-mate was quite pleased with the outcome of the election lighting a fat cigar courtesy of the party mccabe grunted i was confident form the first that the people would make the best choice and elect someone who would take this tariffs-and-war baloney into his iron hands and force a suitable conclusion to them he belched silently and cast a cow-eye over one shoulder ed over there ed's our campaign manager he said to me just this morning ..." arnesen's running-mate a guy named jones threw a spittoon at b&w's reporter wounding an unidentified bartender above is victorious hot li " goldenberg in midst of his baby kissing campaign evrn lo tei arneren n shown t.yin : to nul lify art's votes by kissing mothers a new campaign trick arnie lost but claims i made more friends this way araesen h®pes backfire • . suh i won i won i won accom panied by a series of cartwheels was the only immediate reaction of arthur goldenberg to the news that he had edged out his opponent in the presidential race later when he had had time to get over the initial excitement at the news goldenberg said to reporters i did it i did it you hear those figures son i beat the daylights out of my opponent whom i am now willing to admit is not worthy at all and to what do i attribute my success i attribute my success to clean living drinking only the best li quors and the ability to forget my presonal prejudices and ethics in ties of election i further attribute my success to a magnetic person ality and a fine crew of personal reporters who managed to scrape up more filth about my opponent than he could dig up about me screaming bloody homicide an arrogant arnie stormed into fifth precinct election headquarters in the rear of the local bar associa tion denouncing what he called a contemptible rotten trick he was referring to dust cov ered statute brought into play in the elections which bars prison in mates from exercising their voting franchise some of my best friends — enough of them to swing the election — have been loused out of their votes arnie's eyes blazed as he barged into the ballot counting room they were so bloodshot he explained because he had been up late the night before watching returns on drown hall's television deans hiss and moan over g-berg's victory wailing in agony dr charles seitiel expressed more than con cern with the outcome crying goldenberg never i'll never survive dean wray congdon however cried capitol the dean expressed that goldie would sure ly turn the rascals in dean john leith commented yes in making a clinical study of the election results our pollster j p mchutchins noted reviewer of mickey spillane anthologies com ments it's unbelievable mchutchins claims the rever sal of the trend he predicted would sweep arnesen into the white house went afoul when arnie stopped telling snappy stories to brassiere and girdle workers on a whilste-stop tour of the garment districts arnie's stories just lost all their zip he claims another contributing factor to the upset was the fact that john l lewis's miners refused to come out of the mines to vote claiming they were storing up coal for a cold day the farm vote suffered a reversal when the organized plough-jockeys revolted they claimed arnie had too much fod der in his shock and not enough frost on the punkin the solid south cried it's not the heat it's the stupidity and voted for arnie but the mint julep mass was offset by the vote from the far-west which went far right and voted for goldie montana sheep herders fearing they'd be trimed also went for the surprise winner the irish free-state endorsed goldenberg in an amazing turn about the african free state sent j in 300,000 votes for abraham lin coln but unfortunately they were disqualified lincoln has retired ifrom public office votes for fdr and fala were also not recorded as were those votes cast for sena tor nixon's dog checkers general douglas mac arthur was observed campaigning in east osh kosh and south pretzel bend sing ing old arcadians never die they just smell that way he supported arnesen nantly for goldie when arnesen the army vote went predomi claimed the olive drab was too damn drab to be considered the navy swarmed over arnesen wholeheartedly after he personally swam the panama canal in a g string singing anchors astray while at the same time inflating his water-wings on the off-beats golden greek flits into white house intoxicrats miffed friday october 24 1952 vol 64 — no 9 vice-men see joy spit too artie's in . . . rmvn and white , . . arnie's out bethlehem pa art sleek greek goldenberg is the next president of the united staees delirium tremens swept national headquarters at gus's at 4:02 this morning when the losing can didate john the zipper arnesen sullenly spat upon the worn out welcome mat before entering to con cede i really never thought i could pull it off was all the jubilant kilimanjaroed winner could say today even as he spoke a parade of orthodox cross divers led by thomas the mouth macabe was announc ing election returns to a dreary populace solaced by thoughts of four more years on dole returns assumed proportions of a landslide as mai dollar bill gross couldn't let a good thing alone and kept the tote board courtesy of frank fornoff whizzing and clacking winding up with 46,000,000 votes for the pot-o-gold party ot 45,000,000 for the intoxicrats the upset victory surprised even goldenberg's campaign manager larry the hatchet collins who as late as yesterday had been quot ed as saying goldie is a dead duck because he ain't following parlia mentary procedure even polies had indicated arnesen's platform of feminine supremacy and a negligee in every closet to be far stronger than goldie's cry for free distribution of the nation and the daily worker to every family of fifteen the results were certainly an upset truly several thousand write-in votes were received for the dark horse whirlaway but many states didn't even know he was in the running mason gathered 467 votes to dixon's 465 the two mason a vegetarian and dixon a lead pencil manufacturer share adjoining suites in the bedlam hotel several hundred votes for a man named jones the republican vice presidential candidate were dis qualified all write-in votes they neglected to enclose the poll tax and garter kick-back fee neces sary for that type vote election tally goldenberg 45,000,000 arnesen 44,000,000 mason 477 dixon 465 scotch 23 soda 17 a man named jones 13 whirlaway 690 dislocated disqualified and unlranchised votes 369,000 total 89 and some odd million electoral votes too complicated to interpret m won etc cries art newly appointed cabinet see story page 2