Brown and White Vol. 59 no. 9

              overindulgence is awful purity must triumph a terrifying explosion we must save skeets of the servants of bacchus an object lesson of abject behavior he's half shot now please do not shoot the editor of sinful era eyesore continual reminder squamp demands action pray readers abstain conserve wild life drastic measures must be taken immediately to stop the wholesale slaughter of skeet warned d r . abner capp head of the philoso phy department at yorrine univer sity at the annual open air meet ing of the society for the preser vation of dumb animals last night on drought hill statistics show that millions of skeet are killed each year in the u.s alone and unless action is taken at once the skeet is apt to extinct himself dr capp explained that the skeet is a dumb animal who is born of the same clay as you and i but who unfortunately is not endowed with life as we know it the skeet does have feelings how ever and when hurt it goes to pieces desire to sell one chromium plated abacus in good condition three balls slightly scarred due to slight disagreement between abacus and operator during difficult calculus problem call michalo — 6-39710 ♦ * * one used frosh fraternity hand book fraternity life at lehigh to trade for gideon bible room 3 hotel beth * * * wish to buy turkish hookah — fair ly good condition will trade two chinese dimes half a pack of luckies and an old photograph of mac west marching in a high school band * * * one used braille typewriter in good condition will sell cheap or trade for hub-cap of 1919 losier * * * wish to sell two photograph al bums cheap to ingrid bergman and shirley temple fans call heartbroken 9-1039 , lie puppies contact sophelese l diddenslat trunk room drink er house # # # for sale crabapple jelly and col * * * * * * are you lonely meet friends find people to influence we will help you houseparty dates exchanged at a special reduced price this weekend write do not call write do not call the campus procurer care of brown & white basement drown hall come one come all and wit ness the presentation of the opera carmen in grace hall november 4 * * * if you have not had your senior epitome picture taken at the date of this publication you have missed the boat we suggest you immediately contact lee maines editor epitome * * * for sale one cup-laden flying pushcart contact mercury lam berton hall ♦ * * wanted partner for proposed business venture have ideal lo cation fronting lehigh river for distance of three miles on south side must be experienced and have keen interest in refining continued on page 2 col 3 smoking chewing tobacco and use of snuff is absolutely the ulti mate of human degeneration ex claimed prof nick o'teen head ol the department of abstinence to members of the chemically pure league wednesday night meeting for the first time this fall the members of the league discussed their project for the cur rent year george snufsed presi dent of the newly formed organiza tion outlined plans for abolish ment of the three evils thirty-five per cent of those who were physically prostrate at the close of last year's houseparty have secretly revealed the cause as being the overindulgence in one or all of the three evils inter jected prof nick o'teen one of the victims it may be recalled was found on the sun day night following last year's houseparty babbling incoherently and in a morbid state of mind investigation of the victim's room revealed a ten-pound bag of snuff three cartons of chew-your troubles-away tobacco plugs and eight empty cigar boxes deplorable was the comment of snufsed the somewhat revolutionary plans will be launched at the start of this houseparty weekend the keynote of the plan calls for spe cial investigating committees cho sen from among the members present to station themselves at the various social fraternities and dormitories upon arrival and immediately before entering their designated quarters lady guests will be sub jected to a thorough and methodi cal examination to ensure removal of all tobacco and snuff those guests possessing tobacco and snuff will have these articles confiscated rumors that the guests will be confiscated too are utterly untrue according to prof o'teen prone to be pure if he has to be underhanded to do it prof war wick p squamp taught-fraught and frustrated is desirous of sell ing the renowned and thrice-paint ed price hall back to die alte brewerie in an effort to remove the blot on lehigh's pure name purchased in the late 1870's the south mountain mausoleum cost asa packer and cohorts the ap proximate sum of 3,678,908 beer caps 10 parking stickers a quarter stock in the supply bureau and 14 dozen bakelite bustles frequented more often than classes by the l.u undergrads die alte brewerie was considered a likely spot for a dormitory since the atmosphere appeared conduc ive to the study habits of the aver age lehigh schmoe however a movement is acreep headed by the crusading prof squamp to either dig a large hole beneath the edifice and let it drop out of sight or else sell the bloody deal lock stock and bustles back to die alte brewerie packer hall is enough of an eyesore already perfidiously de clared the courageous squamp in a secret interview without our al lowing this heap to disturb our over-all picture of purity and beauty price hall has gotta be junked he shouted eruditely and by gee the old b&w stands solidly beside our boy squamp we'd rather see a hole in the ground rather than have our good name made lustreless by dispurity and ugliness besides one more hole in the ground ain't going to hurt no one look at the fox-hole we got already so concluded squamp with an air of finiteness we agree if the university will not com ply with my sincere wishes con fidede squamp i'll bloody well quit i will and without me le high would be nowhere by golly ned we agree squamp is hot what would you say he shout ed to the audience if you were shot from a gun and then shot at from a gun no one said any thing i am sure that you would immediately write to your con gressman he then said that the sex life of the skeet is not as smooth as we may think because of their rigid ness they cannot reproduce as fast as they are shot you all remember dr capp went on when a few skeet es caped from captivity last year these little flying saucers were noticed and became quite popular throughout the nation they were soon caught however by some merciless skeet shooter and have since been forgotten he then made the following sug gestions to save the skeet from ex tinction 1 to organize a national committee for the artificial in sauceration of skeet 2 to petition the president of the u.s to require all skeet shooters to get married thus taking their minds off shoot ing skeet and 3 to have the skeet put on the back of the jefferson nickel after all he said this saved the buffalo from extinction acting on a tip from an anony mous local columnist a b & w re porter this afternoon visited the laboratory of professor zwylin f x macslurppe the following is an account of our correspondent's interview with macslurppe as telephoned to us from a local hos pital by stylus a straightpen as i entered the laboratory my sensitive nostrils were assailed by a strange and pungent odor not at all unpleasant and casting my trained eyes about i instantly de tected a rather complicated array of tankards and piping in the rear of the building the array seemed to be giving off fumes of some sort but what they were i regret to report i could not instantly dis cern it was the work of a moment to find profesore macslurppe hunch ed over a sheet of foolscap neatly tabulating figure recited to him by an assistant plunging immediately into the business at hand i consulted my carefully-prepared notes and queried the professor as follows 1 . sir in your opinion and not wishing to cause you embarrass ment due to possible misconception of your statement by the great reading public so unmindful of the aspects of natural and scienti fic phenomena what sir is the effect on the human organism of a hydrolyzed hydrocarbon alcohol causes drunkenness was the profound retort realizing that my skillful ques tioning had aroused intense inter est on the part of the professor i continued in the same vein sir may i take the liberty of inquiring into your personal con clusions concering the physiolo gical psychological s-ocijdlogical anatomical ideological zoological teleological paleontological path ological and cosmlogical terger visations of drunkeness in present day life you may was the deathless response of my learned host sir would you care to venture some statement concerning your opinion of people who by some un witting quirk of fate find them selves in that most unhappy of conditions — alcoholic unconscious ness drunkenness is deserved by drunkards was the unequivocal reply followed by an unprecedent ed burst of verbosity i abhor drunkards i believe that it was just after my third step that the rear of the continued on page 3 col 3 the interview having been suc cessfully terminated i thanked professor macslurppe heartily and stepped toward the door i could not fail to notice that the strange array of tankards and piping at the rear of the building was fuming most profusely personal will the person who re moved buggy from horse in front of drown hall wednesday please return same you are known if impossible at least return oat filled feedbag under seat i'm hungry as hell notices * * # i'm in dire need of a sheet — clean white and with no rips in it please i just shot my brother and i want to cover him up i'm looking for my shoes — seen em * * * i just hate bad breath does someone with a toothbrush want to room with me * * * harry jones that's the name of my brother he always wanted his name in the paper * * * * * * mabel don't be a sap come home i love you george how do you stop the wringer on the washing machine hurry my name is yascha micka-yous sef i'm an arabian camel driver i lost my camel and without a bloody camel i ain't no camel driver gimme back my camel whoever tuk it that's all i ask just gimme back my camel * * * help a soul in distress have dire need for a turtle preferably the size of a peso call stan delta tau delta fraternity house on second thought just send the peso * * * desire use of one thin dime wait ing at moment for trolley at fourth and new st wearing dark glasses and kilt hurry * * * for sale one copy of robert's rules of parliamentary procedure inscribed in old english script on 2 x 3 piece of silver birch bark call owatta gouss ayam lake champlain n y lehigh university's purity brown and white friday october 28 1949 think tipoff classified volume 58 — number 9 snuffing for shame bethlehem pa price hall disgrace to south mountain extinction looms many skeets slaughtered results in exclusive story by b&w reporter so is chewing tobacco also smoking stinks must go they go to pieces read about all evils alcohol is bad stuff unsavory past tarnishes lehighs escutcheon it causes drunkenness in the best of drunkards skeets have feelings too they are gunshy mac's hobby hall 315 w 4th street welcome freshmen welcome hobbyists trains — planes — cars boals — accessories come in & look around third ward draft association meeting at 611 state street tonight no more money is wanted no men are required and no draft is to be made now let every member of the association at tend the meeting and rejoice and make merry by order of the committee a rare chance to make a large sum of money upon a small investment the subscriber has secured a very advantageous lease of oil territory adjoining a large oil well near bethlehem would like to form a company with five other persons to de velop it call for 5 days at 55 la salle st ask for arry