Clown and Gripe Vol. 12 no. 1

              clown and gripe lehigh university vol 12 oz no 1 bedlam pa friday april 1 1983 202)456-1414 likins interest peters resignation announced by emmeline lewis university president peter likins has announced his resignation effective immediately from the position he has occupied for less than a year citing several reasons for his dissatis faction likins made the announcement yesterday at an inauguration commit tee meeting the inauguration ceremony and activities will continue as planned without likins basically it was a problem of fitting in according to samuel x connor director of public information and propa ganda according to connor likins complaint concerned the size of the fur niture in the president's house dem ing lewis as we all remember was a big man well over six feet his long stay at the university resulted in quite a collec tion of deming-size furniture in the man sion quite simply likins feet don't touch the ground and he's not willing to put up with it anymore according to several anonymous sour ces the university had promised to replace the furniture in the mansion as a condition of likins acceptance of the job but likins reportedly said ' there's still a great big desk and a great big chair and lots and lots of high shelves a related complaint made by likins was the university's unwillingness to renovate many university staircases to be adapted for shorter legs he was also upset about the fact that his feet couldn't reach the pedals in deming lewis cadil lac but the university refused to pur chase a presidential volkswagen according to several sources likins will be taking the now-vacated post of president of penn state university fol lowing the recent retirement there of john ozzy oswald noted botanist and last year's commencement speaker at lehigh hope was very upset that he was invited only as a concert speaker and not for the commencement address according to one source to console him we are considering offering him the presidency besides he's taller and fits the furniture according to barfa baloney 84 co chairman of the inauguration commit tee likins being absent from the inauguration festivities should not really matter nothing that's going on really has anything to do with the president or his inauguration baloney said and for the purposes of the ceremony arthur humphrey has volunteered to stand in and be inaugurated wasn't that nice of him c&g photo bv henrik ibsen this penn state coed proudly shows off the soon-to-be home of lehigh's ex-president peter likins likins will succeed john oswald as president of penn state kites can combat commies big bifocals to protect us by al manack work has begun on the first ben frank lin technology center project to be initiated at the university according to lightning bolton the centers have been formulated by pennsylvania governor dick thorn birds in an effort to improve the economy by combining the resources of higher education and industry bolton said the university's projects will address the country's growing defense needs with the scientific principles established by franklin the first project is funded by a 750,000 grant which calls for the establishment of a network of giant kites which will be flown 100 miles above the earth's surface providing an impenetrable anti-ballistic net bolton said that the project will be a boon to the state's floundering twine industry . the principle of this defense system is based on president ronald raygun's push for an anti-missile network plus his strict economic budget concerns a proper star wars type of anti-missile network would cost millions of dollars and take a trained crew of thousands to operate whereas the intercontinental kite defense system ickos operates at a minimum cost and can be tied to a big rock and left unattended bolton said the first kite will be launched on the first nice day in may next year when the winds are strong and he won't have to wear a jacket also in the works according to bolton are some other ben franklin proposals one is for giant bifocals to be carried into space by the space shuttle and placed into orbit there the giant glasses will use the focused rays of the sun to destroy soviet crops resoops publishes survival guide by kurt salisbury-steak the residence operations office resoops has issued a pamphlet for next year's trembling park and bread head house residents entitled how to put up with five in an apartment for four or five's company dealing with such topics as overcrowded-bathroom etiquette early-morning traffic tips and laundry politeness i don't like the panties drying on the rod the publi cation will be available to all the unfortu nate slobs who will be cramped into the insufficient living space in what were formerly the campus's most luxurious accommodations according to barbara crappel resoops director the toilet-etiquette section will contain useful hints toward maintaining low hostility-levels in the bathroom this section of the booklet is entitled keeping the shit from hitting the fan for example crappel explained the apaitxnents have most of their facilities in fours so it will take a good deal of adaptation on the part of the sar dines in there among the questions raised in the book are since there are only four corners to the tub where will your fifth roomie keep his/her shampoo bottle the book recommends two roomies agreeing on one brand of shampoo to encourage positive thinking the booklet recom mends agree brand another question with only four towel-bars on the wall where does roo mie number five keep his/her towel the booklet recommends using the toilet-paper holder but it does acknowl edge the problems that could result if other roommates are careless when they think they are reaching for the charmin to conserve toilet tissue the booklet also advises such limitations as six sheets per sitting and explores the plausibility of using both sides one-ply tissues are not recommended moving down the hall to the kitchen the booklet has a chapter entitled home on the range or how to avoid kitchen bitchin '": this section suggests communal cooking to avoid the over crowding of the fridge with five half gallons of milk five pints of haagen-dazs chocolate-chocolate chip and five frozen butterballs this system crappel concedes does present another problem the trembling park dining rooms have tables that can only seat four but there are sitting places all over the apartments if one is merely resource ful she said among her suggestions are the front porch the porcelain throne and the floor there is a lot of unused floor space in these apartments even considering that the fifth resident will be sleeping there dealing with the apartments sleeping quarters or sleeping fifths as they will now be known will not be difficult if roommates are merely considerate according to the book sleeping in the lying-down position is only what we do because it is what we are accustomed to the book says it encourages the exploration of other posi tions including hanging from the shower rod standing sitting and doggie-style dogs don't take up much space when they sleep we can learn from them the book suggests having sleep-over house guests can present problems the book acknowl edges to avoid this problem the book suggests sleeping with one's roommates before resorting to bringing outside par ties into the situation outside guests will merely make things more crowded the book says and besides stacking roommates will save floor space art imitates death by peter beidler despite recent reports provost arthur hohumfree is alive and well and functioning in the alumni memorial building reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated hohumfree reported to the clown and gripe but i really love all the flowers everyone has been sending the family the past few months have been very peaceful hohumfree con tinued not one person has called or stopped by to see me i only wish everyone would stop calling sheila for dates i've spent most of my time working in the basement catching up on some reading and updating my resume he said and i've nearly perfected my stir-fried vegetables