Clown and Gripe

              lehigh university clown and gripe who cares what volumk and number bedlam pa fried-egg april 1 1982 202)456-1414 tuition increase a hoax refunds issued soon bv kkti km s it mi'nnky in a dramatic reversal of policy uni versity treasurer john woltjen announced yesterday that his office will issue tuition refunds to students on a first-come first-served basis the students have been real champs woltjen bubbled and we felt it was the least we could do for them hell there hasn't been a riot so f;>r this semester that's gotta say something for the student body right woltjen said the refunding process will be held in conjunction with this year's greek week pinch-hitter the spring fes tival adding that the university will pro mote the refunds on a non-alcoholic event were brining back to the flagpole lawn the pony rides that went over so well last year and for those standing in line we've added a disney film festival tree tonka trucks jack and jill maga zines and of course milk and pop-tarts however woltjen said plans for a non alcoholic fisher-price pubnite had to be scrapped because they were deemed economically unfeasible once the refund idea was approved the procedural details were referred to university alumnus lee lacocca 45 on woltjen's suggestion 1 hear he's good when it comes to rebates and it figures he'd be happy to do it woltjen explained this complete reversal of pol icy seems staggering but woltjen reas sured everyone that it is common practice among university officials we know when we've screwed up all we have to do is have our foot for lunch and change our minds simple as that but why the tuition increase in the first place just for fun replied woltjen to be trendy you know shake eve ryone up a little we've had our fun and now it's time to show we have a sense of humor hut not everyone is thrilled with the refunds chief of police eugene dax sees them as an unnecessary campus migraine a potential threat to student life dax caught in the game room playing an intense game of destroy the human race said he was approached by wolt jen andonly after ho was threatened with a total disregard of the social regulations by the university did he agree to police the refunds when asked if he would add a few offic ers to his force dax replied i've been on the horn to the national guard and they've agreed to send us a tank a few machine gun installations and trained swat personnel in case the bastards get out of line we don't want another kent state university bursar joseph petronio says his staff is ready for the increased activity we have a new highly func tional and dependable computer system and we've always been one of the most efficient offices on campus we'll have no problem petronio admitted he was a bit app rhensive about handing out so much money to so many people well the riot proof plexiglass for the office never came , and we still haven 1 1 found the w ir ing for the alarms but i'm sure the armed guerillas in the hallway will be enough woltjen outlined the agenda for the refunds — since it's first-come first served lines will be forming outside the alumni memorial building early no refunds will be given with a stamped bursar's receipt and all ids must have a spring 82 validation the ugly purple sticker that is all refund hopefuls must wear brown and white adds to the nos talgia don't you think above all no alcohol will be tolerated but free milk will be served finally one refund per person and no pushing likins bags pansy presidency post by rupert murdoch the search for a successor to retiring university president deming lewis has resumed following president-elect peter likins announcement that he will not assume the role of the next university president frankly said likins i am shocked at the dirty sneaky underhanded behavior of the presidential search com mittee they never told me the delta tau delta fraternity had been suspended they knew darn well that i was a delt at stanford and that the only way i'd come was if there were delts there you think i want to be adviser to beta or something all those guys with their nude hoops well anyway i'm not coming and you can't make me so there he con tinued na na likins who was listed in the 1957 stan ford yearbook as a wrestling high scorer had other parting shots to take at lehigh i don't want to come to your pansy university anyway your standards are slipping you never should have gone coed that's the root of all your prob lems you're letting them push you around you engineers have got to get hack to basics you w/sfryou were a beer swilling jock school why instead of an all i diversity day you should have an all-pansy day if i'd have come there you can bet your sweet hippy that there'd be a return to the important things in life wednesday night pubnights and frater nity contests besides likins said my motto is never go with a loser that's why i dumped my high-school sweetheart and that's why i dumped you obviously oswald is of the same mold first you lose me then you lose your speaker he's t he only one with any sense around here so he and i are going to team up and we're taking ol deming with us you've heard of charlie's angels well how does dealing's devils grab you now all we need is the redhead peter limns in i!>:>7 oswald tells grads'no way bv alan alda penn state president john oswald has declined an invitation to speak at this years commencement fol lowing an uproar by his faculty and administrators who charged his appearance could damage penn states reputation basically i decided we could not afford to have penn state s fine name dragged through the mud of your beer-swilling jock school oswald said by appearing at the gradua tion " oswald added some felt i would be condoning beer-swilling and mindless jocks you have to remember that some of lehigh's better students compete with our grads in the job market besides paterno said it might hurt recruiting the organization for boring speakers at commencement all undergraduate requests elimi nated obscure acting swiftly has reportedly obtained confirma tion from world famous actress rula lenska to speak at graduation we were lucky to get her espe cially after our last minute over tures to the principal at broughal junior high proved fruitless said andy cooke obscure chairman we feel she combines the grea test attributes of our last two commencement speakers cooke said she speaks with an accent like kissinger and like last year's hostage col schaffer has achieved notoriety through no actions of her own " cooke said lenska who has no significant film or theater credit to her name is well-known for her alberto vo 5 hairspray commercials according to a release by lehigh's office of public information and dismissals lenska will receive an honorary engineering degree in computer assisted hair design computer assisted make-up manufacturing icahdcamum at the 114th com mencement exercises as a world famous actress lenska told the clown and gripe i am delighted to have the oppor tunity to speak at the engineer com mencement and i'm sure 111 feel right at home while i travel mostly by lear jet i've always loved choo choo trains an un identified university student camps outside the alumni memorial building awaiting his tuition refund the sleepy sophomore wanted to beat the crowds i got here earlier than i did for dead tickets he said